Current Family Problems

January 13, 2009 at 8:38 pm · Filed under family ·Tagged ,

If you read my last blog, I wasn’t getting along with my father. And guess what? I’m still not getting along with him. I take the bus every morning with my friend now and we don’t talk to each other anymore. I don’t really care and I officially realize I don’t really need him. But my mother and grandmother is forcing me to call “acknowledge” him when he’s in the house. I resist calling his name when he comes home, because he doesn’t acknowlege me as a daughter, but I’m only calling his name for the sake of my grandmother. It’s all for my grandmother, the person I respect and love the most. If she never said anything, I wouldn’t even spend my time calling his name. I probably wouldn’t do it if my mother alone made me. Let’s just say, I am definately NOT getting along with him. I have no association with him and he has no association with me. I tend to go back to my room and stay away from him. It’s like two gases that would react to each other, and once it reacts, it causes a huge explosion. Yeah, that’s what my relation to him is.

Every morning, I have to take the metro bus. It’s really expensive, but I’ll live. I’ll take the metro for a couple months. Once it’s spring time, I’ll walk there. I’m really glad a friend who lives near me also takes the bus. Without her, I don’t think I would’ve made it through this far. Thank you!

Yeah, so the person who commented before, I don’t think our relationship will get any better. I gave him way too many chances. I forgave him way too many times. And I gave him chances to change and actually think of me as a real daughter. I forced myself to believe that he would. But he didn’t. And now, he wouldn’t even talk to me (which I don’t really care.) So yeah, he’s lost his chance. Too bad for him.

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Family

January 7, 2009 at 7:20 pm · Filed under family

If you think my family and I have strong bonds, you are wrong. If you think my parents and I get along, you are wrong. If you think I have a normal family, you are wrong. My father hates me and never treated me as a real daughter. He only treats my younger sister and brother like his own child. As for my older sister and I, well, we are known as “adopted” or in Chinese translated, “wild children.” He doesn’t treat us like his own children. As children, I mean his own flesh and blood. Sometimes, I really believe he isn’t my biological father. He really isn’t. I don’t think my real father would treat me like that. I think my mother married another man, had my sister and I, and then divorced. Then he married this guy and now he treats us like dirt. He makes us feel like trash, like garbage and tosses us around. He makes us feel like crap. Ever since I was little, I never really actually had a father. A father who would take care of the house, a father to care for me, a father who would protect me. This guy, who I call my dad, doesn’t treat me anything like a daughter, or even a person in our family. He treats my friends even better than how he treats me. I feel horrible everyday. He never yells at my younger sister, and if she does something wrong, I get the blame for it. If there is something wrong, I get the blame for it. I don’t understand. I am his own child (or maybe not), but he treats me like someone he doesn’t know. He drinks all the time, gets drunk, and starts yelling. You can really tell I don’t like him very much. Why? Because he lowers me down in the family. He makes me feel like dirt and I lose all my self-confidence. He breaks me down bit by bit and then tosses me out like trash.

Today, he was rambling about our cousin and how he messes everything up during dinner. I told everyone to just eat, because all this tension is stupid and I don’t want any drama when we were eating. He leaves the room and then when we are all done with dinner, he tells my grandma bad stuff about me. Then he starts yelling about how I don’t treat him correctly and said he would never drive me again. He told me to think about my actions. Guess what? I still don’t think I said anything wrong and I won’t admit I did ANYTHING wrong. If he won’t drive me, I will take the bus. I will take the bus all by myself if I have to early in the morning. I am the only one to wake my siblings up and without me, they will be tardy. Without me, they are nothing. Without me, they will not survive. So either my siblings take the school bus with me, or they suffer the wrath of me. I don’t really care and it’s their choice. I am not sorry and I don’t really care. I’ve been realizing his real intentions of treating me like dirt for the longest times. Ever since when I was young, when I came to America, I knew he chooses favorites. And I knew I wasn’t one of them. When I was little, I knew he treated my younger sister better than I did. And now, I know for a fact he doesn’t treat me like a person. But now, I don’t care anymore. He treats me like a “wild child” and he gets what he deserves. Treat others how you wanted to be treated. He didn’t follow that rule, so why should I? He never treated me like a daughter, so who cares if I didn’t treat him like a father. I tried so hard everyday even calling his name when I see him at the door.  I hesitate because I can’t. I can’t say “dad” to someone who might not even be my father. I don’t know. I just don’t know anymore.

But I won’t lose. I will never lose to somebody like him. If he wants to play that game, I could play too. I would not really care about him. I could learn how to drive and not need him ANYMORE. I don’t care. I don’t care. He’s always threatening me on not driving me to school. But whatever. I will take the bus. I wake up every morning at 5 am anyways. I don’t CARE!

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Dreams

December 21, 2008 at 9:08 am · Filed under School ·Tagged , ,

Last night, I had the weirdest dream! We were at school and the new messenger came out. It was light green and it had many funny stories there. And then I was talking to Laura (Wes’s girlfriend) one of the girls there and she was part of the swim team. It was after a swim meet and the swimsuits were all being dried at my room. My rooms was a classroom/dormroom at school. It was really weird. And then I, for some reason, didn’t have underwear on so I had to lock the door and find some. But then Laura almost came in crying. And then she told me something and then we became best friends. Then when she left with her friend and said something about going to the beach. Chris P. came and looked for her. I told her she said she was going to the beach. Then he asked me if she was going with Danny S. I said I didn’t know and he left. There was an assembly outside; it was just like the baseball stadiums and they were just talking. Just as I was going inside, I saw Danny S. He had the biggest afro I have ever seen. It was puffy and his skin was silky smooth. Then he was telling me that I did a great job and kept on rambling about cameras. He was talking in codes that I didn’t understand. For example, “The D3421 is a good camera for wideshots and ranges like a G2358 or a G32456…” But I acted like I understood what he meant and nodded. Then he was done talking, I was about to tell him Laura did most of the work, but he left really fast and dissapearred. I felt bad, so I tried to find Laura and tell her all about it. I went inside to look for her and I found her dressed in a black robe and a purple necktie/ribbon. I looked like she was graduating, but it wasn’t the time yet. So I had to wait until the speaker was done and when it was done, everybody left. I waved and she noticed me. She sat on a seat and waited for me. I told her that Chris P. was looking for her, and she laughed. I told her that he asked if Danny was going and she giggled. Then I said Danny came and asked me for you. She seemed really surprised and happy. She said, “Really?!” And then Danny S. came right behind her and I told her to look back. They talked and I left. Then as I was going out the door, I turned back and told him that Laura was the one who did most work. I said, “Laura was the one who did the most ‘gonglo,” and paused because ‘gonglo’ was Chinese and he didn’t understand it. So I said ‘gonglo’ halfway, stopped, and said work. We discussed what a huge success this messenger was and told us a good job. I said I really liked the stories and the colors of the newspaper. And he said we needed to have a meeting on other good stories. Then somehow, they came to my room. I was searching for all my old messengers in my white tub and they were talking about things. Then Danny told Laura that she needed all those kinds of photography books and listed out names. I found one similar and showed it to him. He looked at it and said, “No, it’s okay, you can keep it.” I felt kind of embarrassed I tried to dig some more of my messengers. Just as I found another stack of old messengers, I tried to take it out, but when Laura looked over my shoulder, I quickly hid it because I didn’t want her to think I was weird, collecting all the messengers.

And then the dream stopped when a phone call from my Uncle came.

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The Eras of the Internet Empire

December 19, 2008 at 1:25 pm · Filed under Internet ·Tagged , , , , , , , ,

It’s probably been a year since I’ve stopped blogging now. My first blogs were at Xanga and I was really obnoxious and annoying. I was a clueless child and now when I think back, I feel kind of embarrassed. I grew up and learned from all those small things that made me who I am.

I would have to say, I don’t really enjoy using WordPress that much. I don’t really like the part where I could see how many viewers are looking at my blogs. It feels really weird because I’m always looking at it. I don’t want to know how many people are reading on my blogs. More and more, I feel like I’m going to impress my viewers and get as many as I can. I don’t want to be obsessed with the amount of viewers who are reading my blogs.

This is like before: when I was on myspace; when I was on xanga. On facebook, I realized that I was comparing how many friends other people have and how much friends I have. I don’t want to be the person obsessed with that anymore. I don’t care. I don’t care about how many friends I have.

Throughout my life, I had many different eras where I very into something. Here they are:

Xanga Era

This was the beginning of 6th grade. When I got obsessed with Xanga and posting pictures of cute anime boys I search on Google. Those were my obsession times where I borrowed a whole bunch of anime from the library and wrote a list of guys that I thought were cute.

AIM Era

Then there was AIM. The AIM era and the Xanga era were intertwined. They happened around the same time. And there was one person I talked to on AIM: Yuu. His nickname was Yuu; we named him off of Marmalade Boy – this one cute, blonde, anime guy Annie thought was cute. I thought Ginta was way cuter and should be with Miki… there goes my anime addiction. Well, Yuu was the guy from my last post. He was the guy Annie and I were obsessed with. Even when my computer had a virus, I turned on my computer over and over again, just wanting to talk to him, even if it was for a second. Annie and I always talked about him; we thought he was just like the actual Yuu from Marmalade Boy, charming and cute, strong and toned, loving and warm.

Inuyasha Chat Era

I was bored. I’ve been to a couple of other anime chat rooms and talked to people, but it got boring after a few times. I searched on Google for random chat rooms. I search for Inuyasha Chat, and there it was. I went in there and thought it was pretty lame. I clicked onto the word, “Chat” and went in. There was only one person in the chat room. The name was Kaso and his name was in transparent gray letters. I got kind of scared and left. I checked my mail and saw a whole bunch of letters from random people I didn’t know. Many of them were from Kaso, so I replied to them. I didn’t know at the time they were really fourms, so I replied to them by email. But they didn’t send anything back. I went to the chatrooms and tried to act really cool. They thought I was a moron, but as time grew, I began speaking a lot with them and I learned a whole bunch of new things. Dark and Kaso were very funny and it was the first time I learned internet lingo. Confusing, but I managed to survive. But the fourms were less active and soon the chat was disabled. The site is now basically “dead.” I tried to revive it, but no luck. I kind of miss them.

Myspace Era

Ah, Myspace. In the beginning didn’t want to put my pictures up. Partly because I didn’t want some creepy stalker looking at me. In Xanga, I never posted my face; I only posted anime pictures. But there was also another reason why I didn’t post my pictures: because I was ashamed of how I looked. I wanted people to see the pretty side of my and the pictures I have aren’t good enough. I see my friends post gorgeous pictures of themselves and I became jealous. I was afraid to show my face, so I posted more photos of anime. I wrote my name as “momiji” because I didn’t want to reveal my name to people. Myspace controlled my life. I was obsessed with it. I began to add a whole bunch of people; even the people I don’t know. I added them and talked about random things. BUT, I didn’t go overboard and try to meet them. We just talked about anime and drawings. Creepy dudes messaged me, but I deleted all of them. Myspace was scary. Luckily, someone hacked into my account and messed around with it. I was so scared and angry, but now when I think about it, I’m actually really glad about it. That’s what made me stop myspace. Delete all my friends and messages, all my information and changed my name to “I am not using this anymore.” I still keep the account for social vibe advertisement to get more points.

Gaia Era

That was one era that was still fresh. I just ended my addiction for Gaia a couple months ago because of school. I started back in 7th grade. But I didn’t know how to use it so I gave up. Then one day, when I was bored, I decided to go back to Gaia. I created an account and mess around with it. I was older and I knew how to navigate around the site. I knew how to post in fourms from Inuyasha Chat. I began with the anime fourms. And then, I went for the real deal: Chatterbox. The site was full of random, comical fourms that I could go in and act goffy. It was really fun. I got more gold and bought more pixelated clothes for my avatar. I dressed it up. I got more and more addicted to it; it was like cigarettes for Hong Kong people. I posted and made new friends. I had a little interweb crush on this one guy. We met through a fourm on Gaia and then we started talking on msn. I met more new people and met one of my idols there: Hikon. I was a hardcore CB’er/Gaian. I learned all my chatspeak and jokes there. I learned a whole bunch of interweb lingo there. I probably now know more interweb lingo and chatspeak than my friends. But they don’t really know because they dont know I play on Gaia. But I loved Gaia. I still go on sometimes, but the feeling and excitement is gone for me. Now it’s time for the young ones to go on there and explore the world of Gaia.

Facebook Era

I’m still currently using facebook. And I go on every single day. It’s not as scary as myspace and you have to use your real name. You’re kind of a dork if you don’t use it. I can write my semi-personal information and post whatever photos I like. I know everyone from my friends list or know they are not creepy weirdos. It’s a good site; it keeps me updated on school events and the social world at school. You know, whose dating who, what people are doing on Saturday, how people are feeling… a place for friendly stalkers.

Youtube Era

Oh man. Youtube. I watch videos all the time nowadays. That is now my current addiction. I watch all the people I subscribe to on the day it was created. I know all the “Youtube celeberties” and they are wonderful, funny people who I adore. I watch random videos from KevJumba, NigaHiga, SxePhil, Shimycocopuffffs, NinjaDrops, HappySlip, Davedays, and a whole bunch more. I also learned some real work lingo that I didn’t know.

BlogTV Era

I’m not fully obsessed with it yet. I kind of got boring now, but I found out about this on Youtube from KevJumba. I wanted to see him live, so I went on and created an account. Soon, I looked at other people broadcasting and became friends with them. I’m not fully developed in BlogTV yet; I’ve just started learning the crazy things that I could do here. My friend and I created a blogTV just for the two of us to create and we do liveshows whenever we have a webcam, a computer, and when we have each other. Most of the time, we have creeps that ask us the nastiest questions, so we ban them. Then we have some people who stay with us and compliment us; I am flattered, but I just think it’s plain creepy. BlogTV is a weird place, maybe it’s too much for me. I’m not the type of girl to show their face to random people especially talking to them over the internet and speaking to a camera. I think that’s just really weird if you ask me.

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Influences with Internet

December 19, 2008 at 8:43 am · Filed under Internet ·Tagged , , , , , ,

I went on to my Xanga blog after a long period of time. And going back on xanga, it reminded me of someone I knew when I was a preteen. My friend and I met this one guy online from another friend we knew from NYSP. He was really nice and we thought it would be fun to talk to him. We’ve talked for months and my friend and I soon got addicted into talking to this “mysterious” guy. He seemed really nice and we had a lot in common. We even talked on the phone once. But now thinking back, I’ve done some things I’ve regretted a lot. I’ve done some childish and cruel things to him that probably damaged his feelings and our friendship. My friend and I were stupid enough to send him some pictures and a note. I remembered correcting our letter over and over again, just to make it perfect for him to read. We went on AIM everyday, hoping he was there. I created AIM just to talk to him. When he was on, we would bother him over and over again, till he logged off. When he was on and didn’t respond, we would act like little controlling freaks asking him where he went every second. If he was away, we would type stuff constantly until he comes back. Seriously, it’s like a wife afraid to lose her husband; kinda like desperate house wives.

But after xanga, I got obsessed with myspace. And I kept on adding random people and trying to act “cute” when commenting. I continued to talk to that “mysterious” guy on AIM. And he eventually created a myspace. I went on to his myspace and saw his face. Back then, I was stupid and immature. I overreacted. I… called him ugly. Not to his face, but to all my friends. We observed his face and overacted. I even wrote a xanga blog about the “ugly” guy I met on myspace. I hope he didn’t read that. But if he did, I hope he didn’t think it was him I was talking about. Conversations grew less and less and soon, I had no interest talking to him. Whenever I went on, I didn’t bother talking to him first. I was so stupid, so cruel that I even blocked him. Now, I have this guilt feeling. Because I know I was the one who destroyed our friendship.

And then, I met him in real life. I saw him at the bookstore once when I was shopping with my mother. I was walking up to hear some music. And when I came down, I saw him. It really felt like I was the princess walking down on the stairway meeting her prince charming. Except I was dressed really ugly that day and he didn’t look too “charming.” We stared at each other for 2 seconds and I went back to look for my mother. We passed each other without wondering if we were the person who talked on AIM 24/7.

I kept on thinking about that incident. And eventually, I forced myself to believe that it couldn’t be him. Since he lives somewhere far away from me, he couldn’t go to there 7:00 at night. Then I soon forgot about what happened.

The second time I met him, was with my friend. You know, the friend who also talked to the “mysterious” guy. Well, we were at the community center, and we saw him again. After seeing him, we talked about him. Stupid me, I called him “ugly.” That wasn’t the stupid part. The stupid part was that he probably heard what I said. The guilt I felt after writing the blog about him came back when I called him ugly in person.

I am very sorry. I know I was stupid back then. I was stupid and now I know how much I regret it. I really hoped our friendship would last forever. Maybe someday I will see him in person again. And that day, I will have to courage to ask him, “Are you the guy I talked on AIM?” And if he is that guy, I will reintroduce myself again, and apologize. He may not know what I’m apologizing for, but then I’ll know that he has forgiven me. And when that day comes, our friendship will be fixed…

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Commitment?

December 19, 2008 at 5:42 am · Filed under love ·Tagged , , , , , ,

Every girl dreams of the man in her dreams. The prince and shining armor. The one who will rescue her from the old and wicked witch. Even I dream of it. But now I’m starting to have second thoughts. What if I do actually get in a relationship. This won’t really happen since my parents will never allow this. But what IF I do get into a relationship with someone? I might be the one who will dump him. I thought about this last night. To have a relationship, you must keep in contact and hang out a lot. Well for me, this relationship contradicts literally my whole entire life. I have homework and other things to care about. My parents are strict and wouldn’t allow us to go shop alone. Unless shopping is with them. How will this relationship work? Parents: the barriers to true love of two young people. How tragic. No shopping or hanging out? No form of talking because your grandmother says you’re talking on the phone too much? Or they call when you’re doing your homework? This relationship will suck and will eventually end in the first 24 hours. Lasting for more than 48 hours would be a miracle. My dream of having a wonderful boyfriend who I can talk to was shattered yesterday when I realized that my whole notion of having a boyfriend was contradicted. It was ended when I realized my commitment towards him will be nothing. Nothing at all. Homework > Boyfriend. Nothing more to say.

It was a bummer to realize this. After dreaming about all that boyfriend crap for most of my whole life. Now, it’s gone. Because right now, all I care about is keeping my grades up and cheering up my parents. Having a boyfriend will become a enemy towards my grades, therefore, making my parents unhappy. I want to live up to my parents standards. Probably because its an Asian family thing. Or maybe it’s just our family, our weird and abstract family.

And what if I can have a boyfriend. What if homework is not effected by having a boyfriend? I admit, I have never had a relationship with a guy. I have never kissed anyone (YET) nor held hands with them. I’m clueless about the opposite sex.  I am NOT experienced. No expertise at all. Nada. Zipo. And, no, not that way you creeps. I would not know how to react. I would not know what to talk about. I am a newbie at love. That relationship would be terrible.

But, you know, not having a boyfriend isn’t so bad. I realized that I do not have the commitment to have a relationship with a guy yet. And I don’t need a relationship this early. And even if I could get one, I wouldn’t get one now. Living single, you can gain much more freedom and control of your life. And I’m not the type to stay committed; I am young and indecisive. Too much stress to deal with relationships; I’ve already heard too much about my friend’s relationship and love.

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N00bs & Illiterates

December 19, 2008 at 5:32 am · Filed under Internet ·Tagged , , , , ,

In the beginning of 6th grade, I was exposed to many “bad” things. Internet dating, chatspeak, and others. I use to “TYP LYKE DIS.” I met people online. I didn’t even know them. (But I didn’t date them.)

I began typing like that until my 7th grade year. I was searching on google for a chat room to talk to people. That was when I found inuyasha chat. It was pretty cool at first. But I was still typing in chatspeak. There were two people I met that changed me. They were Kaso and Dark. I remembered them. Kaso was definitely one I would never ever forget. They’ve changed me. Changed me into someone who was more carefree.

Kaso was very… evil. Mean. Despicable. I really hated him, but I always loved talking to him. I couldn’t stop thinking about this guy. I didn’t like or love him. But I couldn’t hate him. He’s banned me in the chat room for days, hours, and minutes. He’s called me many rude and awful names. But I wanted to talk to him. He’s a jerk, a pervert, cocky, retarded, and scary, but I can’t stop wanting to talk to him. I invited my friend over to inuyasha chat, and after she met Kaso, we talked about him non-stop. He has some kind of power that attract many people to fall for him.

Dark was different. He was very funny and easy to talk to. He liked to make a lot of racist jokes, which you can’t help but laugh. He’s a bad boy. He shares his rebel stories to us during the chat room. I was in middle school then, so I would think everything he said was scary. It was hard to talk to him alone, since we have nothing in common, he was a nice guy. And he shows off a bit, and tells us he almost has a 6-pack, which attracts people.

But they both hated something: n00bs. And I apparently was one of them.

There was a chat room where members of the inuyasha chat go on and just talk about random nonsense. My first time there was terrible. But I was typing like a “n00b” according to Kaso. I didn’t even know what n00b was. Everyone else was typing slang so I thought it was pretty cool. I was basically hated. But I learned how to type correctly and became literate. I was very serious about things. But as I chatted with everyone there more and more, I started enjoying things. There are tough times with Kaso, but I learned from it. I also learned many things I haven’t learned. Some … mature and adult things.

But I was a n00b back then. I was illiterate. Seeing all these “n00bs” reminds me of my past. I didn’t consider it super bad, but it was NOT good.

My point: n00bs shouldn’t be hated. Unless they are willing to change. I was a n00b once, and I didn’t think people hate me, right? ;.;

EDIT: Talking about Kaso, he reminds me of Hikon.

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TRUE LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT?

December 19, 2008 at 5:10 am · Filed under love ·Tagged , ,

Do you believe in true love at first sight? True love as in two people falling in love at first sight and continues loving each other until they die.

I don’t believe in this until I see a married old couple who met the requirements up top. There is no such thing as true love at first sight. I’ve seen couples falling in love at first sight, but the love is not true. Couple years later, they split and they never see each other ever again. Even if they are together for 10 years, 20 years, 80 years, as long as the love starts to fade, the love is not true. I have not seen a couple achieving true love yet, and I don’t think there ever will be one. Once my time has come, I wish our love is true.

And for first sight, you can’t just love someone at first sight. You haven’t even talked to them yet. You’ve only seen their appearances and what they do. You have no knowledge or information about that person. Therefore, true love at first sight is invalid. This is just the first impression. A relationship takes even longer to grow and understand. You need time, so first sight is too short of a time to even start loving someone. For example, if you’ve been in the phase “love at first sight,” will you jump over a bridge if they told you so? Will you risk your own life saving your lover from a car crash? I didn’t think so.

As I’ve said, I don’t believe in this whole love at first sight unless I see one. I really hope I do see this notion happen in the world, but I doubt I’ll see it anytime soon.

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